ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Randomize
