two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
