I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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