Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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