its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
