Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
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