I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
