This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
