fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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