I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
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