someone threw a dead crab at me
my being single is dangerous.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
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