I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
