My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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