Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
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im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
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