i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
