I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
