He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Randomize
