Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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