I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
