...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
