You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Your penis caused this!
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