3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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