Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
This is my gift to your gina
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
