White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Randomize
