nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
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