When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
