Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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