no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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