cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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