Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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