Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
