if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Randomize
