btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Randomize
