I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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