Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
