Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
