I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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