Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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