Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
