He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
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