The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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