Pregnant stripper...not hot.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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