I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
