Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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