so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
