I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
