so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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