Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
