I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
