just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
