Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
4 words: hood of his car
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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