I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
