Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
